Monday, August 08, 2005

I'm very confused, to say the least. I think I am going to resign myself to the fact that I will never have a true 'best friend'. Why do I always gravitate towards insecure people who find pleasure in bringing me down? Sometimes, she can be great. But I'm so over it. I am being used, and I know this; but I don't have the heart to say anything to her because she loves to play the poverty card. If she's too poor to give me gas money [or loan me a quarter...literally], how come, on a regular basis, she goes out with me and spends money every night? I'm curious, if she's so 'poor' - why doesn't she try to get a job, and why is she always going out and spending money [she says she doesn't have] on unnecessary things? Naturally, she expects me to foot the outrageous cost of gas that she gleefully helps me use. [I, at times, run errands for her, or she refuses to just chill out and watch a movie, she needs to be driven around, etc.] As stupid as that sounds, it's more about being gratuitous, giving a friend a dollar here and there for gas money isn't about the money as much as it's saying 'thank you for driving me', but she expects it. She expects me to drive her around, and she manipulates me if I don't. And I'm not cheap, I swear. I don't want gas money from anyone else, but I'm expected to be her chauffer every night. God knows she depends on my friends and I for a social life. It's not even a matter of money, it just says so much about her character. She has no qualms about calling me at 6 in the morning to pick her up at someone's house because she got fucked up, passed out, and needs to be home so she doesn't get caught... she knows I'm the only person who cares enough about her to actually do it. I don't know what's wrong with me because earlier that night I called her to see if she got home and she said 'what the fuck do you want?' and hung up. And not surprisingly, there's not one bit of gratitude. She routinely puts other people ahead of me if they have something 'better to offer'.

And the regular psychological fuckings, Oh, those are brilliant. One minute she's feeding me optimistic bullshit, the next she's bringing down the hopes she's raised for me. And on some level, I believe her when she says she cares. Be an optimist, be a pessimist, be a realist, whatever the matter, be consistent. Her lack of consistency lends me to believe that she is not giving me friendly advice based on her way of looking at things, she is playing mindgames. She wants me to make a fool out of myself. What's really sick is that she is pulling this now, of all times, when I'm in such a vulnerable emotional state. My mom's been in the hospital for God-knows-how-long with pneumonia, she's my 'best friend' and she makes me feel like an annoyance if I want to vent about my mother's illness. And she always has to one-up me... I know I have it made compared to most of the world, I know I'm lucky to have a pretty healthy family, I'm not asking for pity. If I want to express the emotions I have bottled up to my best friend, they shouldn't make me feel guilty for expressing them. As for her always trying to 'one-up' everything, I have a great story. This girl has her health, her family is healthy and loving, they have healthcare, she is going to a good college, she has countless opportunities, she eats, she has water, shelter, clothes, and many material goods. One time she was complaining about minutia and I alluded to the fact that we are so lucky compared to most of the world, and this is true... I actually had to point out 'statistically, that is the case, because half the world's population is living in third world conditions'. And then, she actually tried to compare herself to third world children.

She craves pity, and that is disgusting.

Furthermore, she hurts me on a regular basis. However, because she is such a great manipulator, I don't have the heart to get rid of her. The only person I'm hurting is myself, and I know this, and I'm so frustrated. I gain nothing from this friendship, I enjoy her company, but I don't feel secure. I can't pour out my heart and soul to her because she puts me down. Like I said, my feelings don't matter to her. I really don't think I'm selfish. I called her upset one night in May because I truly had a traumatic experience and... instead of being concerned about me, she compared my night to hers because she wanted to get inebriated and couldn't have sex. I don't truly think she's an alcoholic, she does it for show, to look 'cool', and it's sad.

I need sleep, I'll follow up on this later.